The "maybe schizophrenic psycho (yeah)" song

schiz·o·phre·ni·a

[skit-suh-free-nee-uh, -freen-yuh]
–noun
1.
Psychiatry . Also called dementia praecox. a severe mental disorder characterized by some, but not necessarily all, of the following features: emotional blunting, intellectual deterioration, social isolation, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations.


ne·ol·o·gism
–noun
[nee-ol-uh-jiz-uhm]
-noun

4.
Psychiatry . a new word, often consisting of a combination of other words, that is understood only by the speaker: occurring most often in the speech of schizophrenics.


Yes, we wrote this during class, oh, and you really should click on the pictures as you come to them to get the full effect:
Diana walks into her therapist’s office and places a Styrofoam cup down on the coffee table between the two chairs.
“Look at what my brother did!”
“Did he make that for you?”
“Yes. It’s part of his experimental artist kick that he’s on. Living in my house. Mooching off of my goodwill. And this is what he brings me! This is what he thinks will make him famous and bring him early retirement. This and his irrepressible charm!”

Minerva Smiles: “He could take that piece of modernity to the bank!”
In sudden good humour: “Haha, I can see the art critics now: ‘this is good shit!’”
Minerva laughs: “It’s amazing the words in contemporary English that have so many meanings.... but in the end they are actually accurate in their description.”
Diana agrees animatedly: “It’s true! My favorite meaningful phrase of today: "it is what it is"...... and what the hell is that?”
Minerva: “That is very true. Sometimes trying to figure out what so-called ‘artists’ works are is like trying to learn a new language without a dictionary… Except most of it is just gibberish.”
Diana: “Oh I know! That personality test you gave me was so right on, it said that I struggle with sentences because I want to be precise with words, I get so annoyed with unclear or imprecise expression. ‘It is what it is..... It is what it is..... what the....”
Minerva: “Yup.”
Diana: “Or the use of 'like'…”
Minerva: “I understand where you’re coming from, I hate it when people do not use words well or accurately. I wish they would be boring and precise rather than creative and WRONG. Or if they would just actually say what they meant, then you wouldn't have to interpret people's use of language all the time.”
Diana still in good humour: “Sometimes it’s just laughable, last week I was at a support meeting for my office, and my manager was trying to say that she sent out a task along the network, blah, blah blah... she actually said, ‘so like, yeah. I jobbed it.’ Job is now a verb.”
Minerva, laughing with Diana: “What!?”
Diana: “Hahaha I know! – She didn’t even catch that she did that… some people just don’t really care about the words they use, in fact they feel free creating new ones.”
Minerva: “That bothers you, doesn’t it, that people just make up words. It’s not like they are little Shakespeares running around.”

Diana laughing: “Hahhahaha.” Suddenly the laugh becomes maniacal: “Dr. Seuss put that old man to shame!”

Minerva at first continues along her original line of thought… then confronts Diana about her over-idolization of Dr. Seuss: “Most people don't even have a neologism right to revoke… um... but Dr. Seuss is like the kiddie version of Shakespeare…”
Diana is at first almost confused, then becomes almost violently angry: “Ummm no, SHUT UP!”

Minerva attempts to tone it down a little: “Looking at this professionally, he is the child play therapy to Shakespeare’s CBT.” (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)

Diana explodes in a most irrational manner: “HE’S THE BEST POET OF ALL TIME! YOU LOSE!”
Minerva, remaining calm, seeks to correct Diana’s misguided loyalty while still leaving her with a sense of victory: “Shakespeare? Of course. We're not debating that –it’s okay.”
Diana becoming more aggravated: “HOW CHILDISH!”
Minerva: “Dr. Seuss?? I know.”
Diana falling dramatically into her chair: “YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND ME!”
Minerva studying her fingernails: “Don't feel bad for loving him anyway – there is nothing to be ashamed of.”

Diana can no longer contain herself as she jumps around the room shouting: “SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!
Minerva, calmly watching and thinking to herself that this is beginning to resemble a Simple Plan song, seeks to interject using Diana’s own beef with the misappropriation of meaning through the contemporary abuse of speech: “But how can I understand you when you are so imprecise in your language?”
Diana cannot even hear Minerva above her own self-important ruckus: “SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! v…”
Minerva: “v? Ah.”
Diana lies down on the couch, her energy fizzling out from screaming so much.
Minerva, sagely: “v—the discrepancy. Let’s talk about this v....”
Diana in exasperation: “vvvvvvvv!”
Minerva: “Mmm. and how do you feel about that?”
Diana: “........... I ..... DOnnnnnnnt ………… Like you! I'll never come back to therapy! NEVER! You hear me!? NEVVVVVVVVVVVER!”
Minerva, triumphant: “There are those v's again! What is the symbolism there? What was your first experience of a v?”

Diana becomes snooty: “V is a consonant sound that forms a degusted face.”
Minerva raises an eyebrow: “ ‘Degusted’…mmm…neologism. Tell me, do you hear voices?”
“AND I AM DISGUSTED WITH YOU.”
“Did the voices tell you to say that?”
“ST-YOP criticizing my behaviors!!!”
Minerva attempts to ease Diana’s discomfort: “Some people in your position find it comforting to pick up a cell phone when the voices are speaking so that they can talk back without getting funny looks—”
Diana is more than exasperated: “I CANNOT and WILL NOT take this anymore! Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv! Just STYYYYYYYOPPPPP!”
Minerva looks at her notes for a moment, then: “Do you realize a capital 'y' is a 'v' with a line? We really need to look into this...”
“V is a consonant sound that shows my teeth!”
“Mmm… not really.”

“I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL.”
“Ah. so we have visual and taste hallucinations going on in addition to the voices… do you ever have delusions that you are Joan of Arc?”

Diana leans back rather relaxed in her chair: “Nah, not really.”
“What about one of those vampires from Buffy?”
Diana looks at her fingernails: “I mean sometimes I think I'm you, and then I start cutting myself up and eating bad food…”
Minerva is ever so slightly annoyed: "So you think I can't cook."


Diana throws her hands up suddenly: “Why is this always about you?”
“Are you aware that you are the one who keeps bringing me up?”
Diana shakes her finger in Minerva’s face: “Well I’m, trying to get you off my back! I thought that maybe bringing up a subject that appeals to a self centered asshole, it might make them forget about me! And as I can see, we're still talking about you!”

*cue crickets*

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 3, 2010 at 9:41 PM

    I like the teeth drawing. =D All of them are quite awesome. I...Want...MORES!

    ~KMads

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJanuary 20, 2011 at 9:38 PM

    This is wonderful! Circular, infuriating, entertaining... and so true....

    ReplyDelete

New comments are not allowed.

Popular posts from this blog

Katie Walks Into a Bar...

Image
If you happened to be on fb two weeks ago, your news feed may have suffered an overload from one of my statuses (sorry Ian!).  If you missed all the fun though, please enjoy the edited, picture version here (no, I am not going to subject myself to retyping all 83 comments, you'll just have to go back to the status if you want the whole story). Catherine and I created a delightfully fictitious bar, where men are gentleman: they give you their seat and they buy you a drink.  More importantly, they are all gorgeous and famous and rich and heroic.  (Is that too much to ask for?) In the beginning, I said Archie Goodwin should be there.  No sooner had I suggested this than Catherine claimed him in a most selfish manner, stating:  "I get him. Because I knew about him first and because h is long standing girlfriend was a blonde so therefore he'll pick me anyways." ... First I countered with: " GAH. FINE. be that way. but you know Archie had brunettes on the sid...
Read more

The rattle of the bones, and chuckle spread from ear to ear. / A rat crept softly...

Image
This is the Tale of Mr. Stinkerbutt, his sudden transformation into the awful Gigas Mus, and his untimely demise. Once upon a time, in a charming townehouse situated at the outskirts of a large county, there lived four beautiful damsels called Erin, Gina, Meg and Me -- and one squatter called Mr. Stinkerbutt.  For the first few months that the girls occupied the house, they were blissfully unaware of Mr. Stinkerbutt's presence.  Alas such ignorance could not last forever!  One chilly morning in winter, Meghan discovered she was unable to eat her last bagel for breakfast, because Someone Else had devoured it betwixt dusk and dawn, leaving only crumbs in the bag in the closet.  This was our very first introduction to that gluttonous, pilfering soul, Mr. Stinkerbutt. Shortly thereafter, he made a second attack against our closet.  He seemed to favour Meg's shelf, shunning the dried goods on every other shelf, and nommed a giant hole into her loaf of bread. Me...
Read more

Goldilocks and the Three Bears' Bathtub

Image
 This is the story of Goldilocks. And three absent bears.  And a very big bathtub. So you all know the beginning of the story... The three bears, Momma, Papa, and Baby, go for a morning stroll down the path to the right, while waiting for their porridge to cool.  And since they were very honest, trusting bears, they left their front door unlocked. Meanwhile, up the other side of the road, a little girl came traipsing along.   And since she was a very rude little girl, upon seeing a door just her size, she walked right in, without so much as a knock! And since she was very dusty, and a little grubby, and feeling just generally sticky after wandering so far from her house that morning, she decided to use the bathroom to wash her face. When she found the bathroom, however, there was a marvelously grand and enormous bathtub, with fancy jets, a sleek faucet, and a full bottle of bubbles sitting right there on the edge of the tub!  It was too much...
Read more